Dating with Intention

Someone asked me a few years back to define intentionality (in the context of dating). It means that I have a goal – to find a lifelong partner – and anything that isn’t pointed in that direction is a waste of my time and energy. The way my brain is wired, my childhood, my day job – all predispose me to efficiency and having a plan (or at least a process). I do this all while knowing I cannot control the outcome. I believe in exploring and learning from mistakes, but if you already know you’re on the wrong road, is it really a lesson or just confirmation that you knew better? Before I say more, please do not think that this post is prescriptive. Many people date just to have plans on Friday night or to just have casual fun because they’re not looking to settle down. Get after it! There’s a whole world of people out there who want the same, but it’s not what I’m looking for.

If you gave the people who know me best a chance to list out all the words to describe me, casual might never show up. There’s usually a how and a why to everything I do. I’m fun and flexible – but I’m not casual. I’m patient, and discerning, and sometimes skeptical, and I bring that same energy to dating.

Over time I’ve refined what I’m looking for (see other posts) and won’t waste my time or my energy going on dates if things are obviously misaligned with a man. I actually love dating apps, because I can filter out deal breakers, and pour over what’s written in text and between the lines on profiles.

I’m pretty hard hitting on a first few dates. Diane Sawyer would be proud. Usually after a date or two I can tell if there’s potential or not. Most guys haven’t made it to date three this year. Potential gets you in the door, but then the fun begins! With some high-level deal-breakers out of the way and a vibe check confirmed, it’s time to explore a deeper connection. For me, I cannot explore a connection with many irons in the fire. I love a good multi-task, but not when I’m trying to pay attention to what my head, my heart, and my gut are telling me. Once I’m a few dates in, I shut everything else down. I’ve sent many a message along the lines of, “I’ve gone on a few dates with someone and want to see where it goes”. My intentionality doesn’t come from a place of scarcity, it comes from a place of focus. I do this quietly (it doesn’t need to be announced to the man I’m seeing), but if at some point I think, “yeah… I don’t want to be chatting with other people anymore” that means there is enough to explore and I start quieting the other noise. I’m not someone always on the hunt for greener pastures. I want to plant seeds and cultivate a beautiful field with someone. This can be done through fun activities, deep chats, but also normal day-to-day weekend “nothingness” like simply hanging out and doing yard work together.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I do NOT equate intentionality to forcing or rushing something. It just puts blinders on to see one thing to completion. I get to take the time to figure out if a man is someone who I want to give even more of my time to. Does the energy match? Are things growing or becoming stagnant? At some point it makes sense to have a conversation to find out if we are on the same page. If not, that’s ok. One lesson I have learned the hard way was to never beg for someone’s time or energy. That never ends well. If they don’t see your value, you will only lose yourself trying to prove it to them. Dating isn’t personal – sometimes you end up on different pages, but it’s best to put the book down if that’s the case.

Another lesson I’ve learned the hard way is how horribly it feels to be disrespected in secret or out loud. I would never do to anyone what has been done to me. I’d rather have a hard/awkward conversation to end things than to be sneaky. If I find myself wanting more attention, I’ll turn toward my partner and communicate any unmet needs. Turning towards… that’s how you build a relationship. Not all relationships need to be front page news, or Facebook official, but anyone who might think they have a chance with me would know I’m taken and wouldn’t get any engagement from me. I become an open book. Fully transparent. It’s important to make a partner feel safe and co-regulated. I don’t like easy exit ramps, so I shut any of mine off (like taking down dating profiles versus just deleting the app) and want to be with someone who does the same - not down the line, but upfront. It’s important to have conversations about what people consider cheating and what scenarios might make them uncomfortable. We all have the right to decide our boundaries, and we also have the right to say no to their boundaries and walk away. I will give people my trust until they give me a reason to doubt it, but once I lose trust, it’s over and I’m out. I’ve given too many partners second or third chances, but I believe people now when they show me who they are. My therapist is ok with me having a one-strike policy for fidelity issues, and so am I. I’m willing to fight through a lot of issues, but someone turning away from me and towards someone else isn’t one of them.

Dating is figuring out over time that you want to give someone more of your time and energy. They slowly become a larger and larger piece of your life or the connection wanes. Learning about someone takes time. Establishing trust takes time and consistency. Love takes time. I also think it takes focus. Good relationships don’t just happen, they take intentionality.  I’ll forever hold out hope that one day something will come that never stops growing. I don’t ever want to stop dating (my person), but one day I’ll delete my dating app profiles for the very last time. Part of the adventure is not knowing when that is… but one day the realization will come to me in hindsight. In the meantime, I’ll keep choosing to play the same song again (cries in HadesTown!!).

I’ve recently learned that some people save intentionality until they are in a relationship for a longer period of time. For me, if there isn’t intentionality from the beginning, I will not feel safe leaning in and building a foundation. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. As long as it isn’t to Property Brothers (yes, that joke was for you).

XX
Langley